The Happy Hour Lesson

It's now November 1st. We have been in the midst of a global pandemic for nearly eight months. Every aspect of our lives is now different. Words like quarantine and lock downs and social distancing have become part of our daily routine. 

First, a bit about me to preface this topic. I consider myself to be an extroverted introvert. This label might mean different things to different people, but for me, it's pretty simple. I'm more extroverted and comfortable with others - and myself - once I actually get to know people. For the most part, I find meeting new people overrated and usually exhausting. I think it stems from years of actually being quite extroverted and outgoing and taking the initiative and making the effort. And through it all, maybe trying a little too hard in a lot of different situations, particularly in my youth and through college. Being burned takes its toll. 

As an adult, I found this even more so as I made the personal decision not to have children. Parenthood is its own clique and people generally want to stick with their own, and I can appreciate that most people can't really identify with someone who has made a choice that's vastly different from their own, not to mention, the norm. That can be rather isolating, but it's a byproduct of the lifestyle that you eventually learn to accept. It's taken me 15+ years to do so, and sometimes I still grapple with that aspect. 

With age and experience, I have grown to learn, recognize and accept that it's ok to be more reserved and even a bit of a loner to an extent. It's impossible to be liked or even revered or adored by everybody. And that's ok. In the end, it's all about with whom you establish real and meaningful connections anyhow. Identifying the inherent value that any individual brings to your life is the single most important way to further evaluate where they fit into your life, if at all. I think the pendulum swing to the introverted side has made me more observant and cognizant of this. 

As an introvert, I really wasn't initially fazed much by the lack of social interaction the pandemic personally thrust upon me. I immediately began working 100% remotely. I strongly identified the pros over the cons: no commute time, less gas/money spent, more time to devote to home life, etc. I'm pretty independent and on my own with my work duties as it is, so I didn't really miss anything in terms of office interaction. If anything, I also found my new work from home situation even more desirable, because office chatter and such distractions were no longer an issue. 

With all of that being said, it didn't mean that the total lack of socialization didn't eventually get to me. It definitely did. I felt myself developing a bit of a rut, with no real variety to the daily routine. Days and weeks have blended together, with no real marked events or occurrences to break them up. Enter the Pandemic Happy Hour. 

I started tagging along for regular recent happy hours with my husband and his friend. She's been more of an acquaintance for me over the years. We've gone out in the past with no regularity, and generally for only a couple of hours at most at a clip. With the more recent outings, I quickly found the distraction to be a mistake. Perhaps it was the frequency of our outings. Maybe it's because she and I hold very little in common, without going into specifics, on a fundamental and even on moral level. It might be that it's hard to hold a real conversation with her, as she dominates the subject matter and to be honest, it's shallow and superficial at best. 

All I can say, definitively, is that what was supposed to be an escape and time to relax became anything but. I quickly found these times increasingly stressful and leaving me full of pit-in-the-stomach anxiety. At the last one I attended, her whole demeanor quickly rubbed me the wrong way, and all I wanted to do was drink enough to drown her out and then go home.

I ruminated on this a bit after that night and analyzed it. Why was I so worked up over this, and her, especially since we don't have any real connection as it was? She's his friend, first and foremost, not mine. That distinction is important. One of the reasons I want to start writing again, regularly, or at least semi-regularly, is to get these kinds of thoughts out. Something about writing them down and into a coherent entry will help with my overall resolution of such matters. 

I decided it came down to expectation. What I was specifically seeking from this person was not delivered, and I was disappointed. This isn't her fault, of course, but I just don't see the need to continue it. If there is any lesson from this experience, and with the pandemic, it is for me to be even more discriminating with my time. It's precious. Once it's gone, we don't get it back. So while I might seek an outlet and perhaps with some socialization, there are other valuable ways to go about achieving that.