Thank You, Gwyneth Paltrow

The changes presented slowly, at first. Nothing really raised an immediate red flag of alarm or worry. The first thing to go was my decent, consistent sleep schedule. Normally in bed by 10 (or sometimes, even earlier) and up by 6 for the work commute, the routine was clearly defined and set in place.

Then, March arrived, and along with it, the shut down. We almost immediately shifted to remote work, and maintaining that sleep schedule was not only short lived, but eventually descended into a raging trash fire. What would start with staying up a little bit later each night, eventually turned into full-blown insomnia. I was noticing a pattern of pit-in-the-stomach anxiety each night, something I have never really felt before.  As the weeks and months wore on, it got to a point where I was regularly up until 3 or 4 am and still getting up to work the next day. Not an ideal way to function. 

Not surprisingly, the quality of sleep was also compromised. Even when I would sleep in on weekends, it largely felt the same. It progressed to a point where I couldn't remember the last refreshing, restorative sleep I'd had. By early Fall, this was all compounded by our attempts to replace the old mattress. 

The new mattress was terrible. I blogged about that several times  during Non-NaNoWriMo. We bought a second mattress and so far, I think this one is a keeper. We have until March to decide for sure. I've also started taking melatonin which has helped a bit. I slept naturally for 10 hours the other night and while I don't expect that to happen often, I'll definitely take it. I just hope sleep doesn't continue to elude me on a regular basis. I'm even remembering my dreams again, which is encouraging and a step in the right direction. Amidst the sleep disturbances, other weird things presented, subtly at first, then became more prominent as the months wore on. 

Changes in appetite. I'll often pick at my dinner and have a strong desire to graze later in the night. I've always been a grazer to a certain extent, but this is a whole new level. Salted Granny Smith apples are my go-to snack of late. 

Marked hair shedding and textural/consistency changes. I've noticed increased strands of dead/loose hair on my clothes or even in my hand when I simply brush it away from my face. Detangling time in the shower often looks like a bit of a horror movie scene with the hair I collect from my hands and comb and to prevent from going down the drain. Same with clearing out the often tangled mess in the vacuum beater bar. 

Forgetfulness and brain fog. I've been sometimes struggling to find the right words as I've been speaking. I notice I get tripped up other times even as I am speaking. It's like there's a disconnect or crossed wires between my brain and mouth. I have almost missed deadlines at work that have solely been my responsibility to complete for almost a decade. I've started relying on calendar reminders more and more for bills that are due, because I've also missed some payments here and there simply by forgetting when their due dates have arrived.

Increased joint pain. Being over 40 and overweight, I've come to expect this to a certain degree, but I noticed this has been amplified over the past few months. Hands, hips, knees and sometimes ankles ache for hours after waking, and sometimes the entire day regardless. Weather changes impacts this more and more. Everything cracks more when I get up from the couch or climb the stairs. 

Noticeable vaginal dryness and decreased libido. This one is a biggie. It's a vicious realization when you discover that intimacy doesn't feel as good as it should and like it always has in the past. It would start out perfectly fine, but I was finding myself suddenly drying up mid-session for no explicable reason at all. Discomfort and stinging would soon follow. Frustrating, to the point that I think I was avoiding it all due to the anticipated discomfort, which isn't fair to either of us and sustainable for maintaining the intimacy that should accompany marriage. 

It was that last issue and concern that had me thinking something deeper was going on. But, what? I had been chalking all of these things up to immense Pandemic/Election Year stress. It's not unrealistic at all to think that, but it might have been too dismissive and neat to simply assume that. Continued lack of quality, restorative sleep also has a profound and cumulative effect on how the body functions and responds to said stress. I figured I just needed better and consistent sleep and everything would soon resolve thereafter. 

Still, it was gnawing at me to explore and look into it more,. Another insomnia-filled night led me down a rabbit hole search. I eventually stumbled across an article from 2018 that caught my eye. "Gwyneth Paltrow Opens Up About Having Perimenopause at 46." Bemused, I was curious to see what this was all about. I read with incredulous surprise that I might have found my answer right in that article. 

I finished the article and then sat there in silence, digesting what I had read, and recollecting my own recent experiences. Just two years post-hysterectomy, was this really possible? I retained my ovaries to avoid immediate menopause, and reaping the hormonal benefits for as long as I could. But I think I had the skewed sense that was still years - certainly more than just two years off from happening. But my growing myriad of symptoms were hard to ignore and that the puzzle pieces were falling into place. This would explain it all. The only thing left to do for sure was request a hormonal function lab test from my doctor.

I guess I was expecting it be more definitive, but my results were inconclusive based on the ranges my blood work showed. My doctor explained that it's often harder to pinpoint the exact onset of perimenopause based on these tests, and that it's much easier to identify full blown menopause by comparison. My levels indicate that I am still producing some Estrogen, but she said my collective symptoms indicates that it's likely diminishing and starting down that path. 

Of course, from a medical standpoint, there's really nothing to be done about this. Hormone replacement is way too risky and far outweighs any potential benefits. Alternative therapies/management will likely be my path for this. It was really just to confirm the strong suspicion I had once I read that article, and how I can best prepare myself to handle this natural transition.

The hysterectomy itself was inevitable, so I don't regret my choice with that. Even if I hadn't opted for it to start, I likely would have ended up having one anyhow. The surgeon discovered extensive endometriosis of which scar tissue had adhered my bladder to the abdominal wall. With the ovaries spared and healthy, it was safe to assume that he would have made that decision to change course to a hysterectomy upon that discovery.  

I have since read that there is evidence to suggest that removing the uterus can sometimes expedite the transition, even with the ovaries intact. Still, nothing to regret here, but it does put this into a more logical perspective. And with the absence of a period for more than two years now, I'll need to stay in tune with these and other weird symptoms that might present themselves and to better track my overall journey and transition through this phase. While I don't miss all the blood and pain and frustration, I do miss the overall barometer of health that menstruation provided me, and I won't have that aspect as reference as I move through this transition. 

Mentally speaking, I am all over the place with this. I'm honestly still teetering on the denial/acceptance line. It largely varies on a daily basis. Some days, I am defeated and feel betrayed by my own body. I have been quite harsh and actually called my vagina an asshole. I miss feeling "normal" and not having to find ways to alleviate/improve these symptoms that have been thrust upon me. I'm also sometimes angry at my body that it chose to do this to me amidst a global pandemic. Like, the cruel audacity of this beeyotch. Irrational, I know. Our bodies and organs are (blissfully) unaware of what's going on in the world around us, and they have their own plans and timeline to follow as we age and regardless of outside occurrences or crises. 

But, it's not all doom and gloom. I'm fumbling to find my footing on more solid ground of acceptance. On better days, I feel energized and prepared to accept the fate that every woman eventually encounters. I've read some "success stories" and that it's often a very creative and robust transition in a woman's life. Perhaps that's also been a positive symptom that I initially missed, as I have suddenly had a desire to write and design again. I'm encouraged to see how that fleshes out as I continue this years-long transition deeper into middle age and the next phase of life.  It also speaks to why I have bouts of creative outbursts and a weird form of nesting as I decorate and organize our new home. 

Per my doctor's recommendation, I am also adjusting my vitamin regimen to include more Vitamin D3 and B12 which were both on the low ends of the acceptable range. Both have proven to help aid and assist with most of the symptoms I've been experiencing. I just need to remember to be patient as my body takes whatever time it needs to adjust and process these adjustments I'm introducing. I need to incorporate a better regimen of low impact exercise like walking or yoga. I know the benefits, I just need to get outside of my head and do it. 

And on the intimacy front, I'm trying to find solutions as I adjust to the new normal. I remembered that the effects of the fibroids and undiagnosed endometriosis affected the quality of my natural lubrication.  In search of a temporary solution until my surgery, I found a lubricant called Love My Pulse. Designed by a perimenopausal woman who was dissatisfied with the ones on the market, her motivation and passion spoke to me, and so I gave it a try. It definitely helped at that time, so I ordered more to try again this time around, too.

As an added splurge, I also bought the proprietary personal warmer to accompany that as well. Ladies who have experienced a warmed vs. cold speculum can attest the difference it makes. Add that warming effect to sex, and you can only imagine what that achieves! The unit is sleek and surprisingly techy, and although we've only tried it once so far, it looks like it will be an absolute game changer and will be well worth the investment. I was a bit of a late bloomer becoming sexually active at nearly 26, and I absolutely refuse to only have 15 years of that activity under my belt. It's my determined quest to reclaim that! Mind over matter! The link to Love My Pulse is posted below if you'd like to check it out for yourself.  

And I would have never guessed that of all people in the world, Gwyneth Paltrow would be the one to illuminate that light bulb moment and to help me recognize the start of my own journey.  While I don't ascribe to her Goop line, have any desire to steam my vagina or buy a candle that smells like hers, I do absolutely commend her for being honest and attempting to start the conversation surrounding this natural phase of life. In a world where women are still valued and deemed worthy and viable by their youth, fertility, and childbearing statuses, this resonates with me on a deeply profound level. For that alone, I give credit where credit is due. So, thank you, Gwyneth Paltrow. In that vein, I will likely continue to share revelations and observations here on the blog as I progress through my "second puberty." If you feel so inclined, I warmly invite you to comment and share on your own experiences as well, but only if you feel comfortable doing so. 

In some ways, it's actually appropriate that my body would decide to enter this new phase in a year of such turmoil and unpredictability. I'm learning how to accept and embrace it this inevitable change. By all accounts, it appears that I am embarking on my own journey of beautiful, unsettled chaos and I hope when the storm clears, a vibrant dawn will emerge.

The sleek, techy and very effective bedside lubricant warmer and pods from Love My Pulse. Chock full of features including various mood lighting options, dimming capabilities, lock features and more. Worth the investment. Check it all out at www.lovemypulse.com 💙